


the things that we could be

by bloodandcake



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angels, Angst, Canonical Character Death, Demons, Episode: s04e16 On the Head of a Pin, Episode: s08e17 Goodbye Stranger, F/M, Romance, Season/Series 04, Season/Series 06, Season/Series 07, Season/Series 08
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-13
Updated: 2014-12-13
Packaged: 2018-03-01 07:21:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2764637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bloodandcake/pseuds/bloodandcake
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One person Castiel did not love, one he might have loved, and one he could have loved.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the things that we could be

The first person to make Castiel feel this _thing_ that seems to exist between human males and females is, of all people, a demon, an abomination per definition, and later when he has got experience in those matters he thinks that it should have worried him, but it honestly doesn’t, because it’s not that he _likes_ her or anything. All that happens is that when he sees the thing called Ruby for the first time, he feels something that he thinks is called attraction, not towards Ruby herself, because she’s really nothing more than ugly black smoke, but towards the body she’s wearing, the dark waves of her hair and the soft looking skin. It’s a strange feeling, but nothing of importance. Castiel doesn’t know much about humans at this point, but he does know that physical attraction has nothing to do with love. Besides, he doesn’t think something like Ruby is capable of such feelings, anyway.

(In retrospect, he might have been wrong about that.)

-

The second time he faces those feelings happens not much later, but is completely different nonetheless. It’s Anna, his fallen but still beautiful sister who now has a body with porcelain skin and dark red hair, and somehow it bothers Castiel much more with her than with Ruby. Probably because he feels that with Anna it’s more than just physical. She might be a walking blasphemy, but she understands him, even if he doesn’t understand her at this point, and he cares about her much more than he should. When she touches his hand, genuine affection in her hazel eyes, a gentle warmth spreads through both his grace and his borrowed body.

(Later, he wonders if it might have been love.)

-

The next time it happens, Castiel is prepared. He might still not be an expert in those things, but when the attraction comes he is able to recognize it for what it is almost immediately, and because of a certain pizza man he is finally able to act on it. So when the demon Meg suddenly presses her lips on his, he slams her up against the wall and kisses her back. It is strangely pleasant.The funny thing about Meg ist that at the time they kiss she is nothing more to him than Ruby: an abomination whose stolen body evokes physical attraction in his. Later, after she helps him through his memory loss and temporary madness, after they fight the leviathan together, and he rescues her from another demon, there is something like a bond between them, but before Castiel can figure out what _exactly_ it is, it is too late; Crowley takes her life and then she’s gone, leaving him to wonder about it.

(If she hadn’t been a demon, he would have almost called it love.)


End file.
